[honesty time]

God works in mysterious ways I will never understand. We are not created to understand everything of him and that is why following God requires great faith. Despite this, our human tendency is to probe, question, doubt and dig until we have reached complete understanding. Here, I continually release my desire to understand, my need to know. Seeing anger, brokenness, poverty and despair around every corner in Haiti could leave one feeling hopeless and helpless. It would be easy to doubt God here. It is difficult not to question why this country is as broken as it is, but if I tried to find the answers I would end up frustrated and even more confused. In order to pick up my cross to follow Jesus, I have had to lay things down to lighten the load. It is a daily decision for me to lay down my need to know, desire to please others, and my fight for perfection. Picking up the cross means I pick up grace and leave behind my shame. I choose love instead of judgment, trust instead of worry, and hope instead of fear.

This has taken on a whole new meaning for me since being here. I could choose to be disheartened by the harsh conditions and darkness, but rather, I choose to see Jesus. I see grace and provision for my friend who lost her husband and raised three kids on her own while studying to be a nurse and now works multiple jobs so that her kids can get an education. I see hope for a child at the school who is learning three languages at the age of eight despite the trials he experienced before. As a whole, situations have seem hopeless, but looking closer I see so much grace and beauty in stories and all of a sudden hope springs up from what seemed barren. It is one thing to write about my experiences here, but it is a whole other story living it. Choosing to see Jesus and laying down my sinful nature is an everyday fight, but wow it is worth it.

There is beauty to be seen here, a new beauty I have never seen before. A beauty that is so hidden, on the outside it exudes hardness, emptiness and bitterness. But every time I let go of my instinctive nature that wants to accept this as reality, the Father gives me his eyes, his grace and his hope. Then suddenly the beauty emerges with a radiance that overpowers even that darkest of doubts.

[kiddos]

I spend most of my day at work with kids. Most of my morning is quiet, then around noon when the kids are released for lunch, the rest of the day is filled with kids wandering in and out, puzzles on my desk, lesson questions, chalk drawing and demands to take "fotos" on my camera. It has been two weeks and I can already tell you that I will learn more from these kids then they will learn from me.

These students have been through unimaginable things I would not wish upon anyone. But I have been able to get a glimpse of their hope. These kids are learning about Jesus everyday, and everyday they get  to experience family at the home and academy. Of course, they are still kids. They fight with each other, can't sit still in class, smile their cute smile to get what they want, and break things, but there is so much to learn in that. They teach me grace, patience and love in a completely new way I have never experienced before. It brings me so much joy to think about how Jesus looks at them when he sees them, and then I am reminded that he looks at me the same way.

Here, there is the obvious language barrier. The difficulty with the lack of language has shown me the importance of words. Okay, duh words are important, but I have a whole new appreciation for conversation and how it brings people together. However, with all of that said, I have also learned how building relationships is not limited to words.

Last week, Elisabeth and I went for a run down the beach outside the compound. Just when we were about to turn around to run back, we noticed a small soccer (or "futbol") game happening with the local kids. After a few minutes of contemplation, Elisabeth and I jumped over a small river and ran up to the mud field. At first the kids looked confused (getting stared at is a common thing here for us) but as soon as Elisabeth kicked their ball, it was on. We spent 30 minutes being schooled by kids under the age of 12, it was awesome.

I was reminded on our run back to base of God's love in that soccer game. How great is it that we serve the God who has no limitations, not even with language. It is easy for me to doubt my capabilities, especially here. It would be easy to accept defeat with sharing God's love since we can't speak Creole. But God's love is way bigger than words, it is best shared through actions. I pray that those kids got a taste of love from our laughter and high fives when they scored on us. That game reminded me that God's love truly has no boundaries. He can use any situation, conversation, or action for his glory, we only have to be willing. So when an opportunity presents itself to share that love, we just run in and go for it.

[bienvenue an ayiti]

This is my attempt to sum up my first week in Haiti...hang in with me here.

First of all, the Lord is already moving. In me and here in Haiti. It has been crazy, to say the least, going from the office hearing about the work being done internationally, to seeing it in the field. You can't drive through Haiti without seeing a Samaritan's Purse blue tarp being used as shelter, or a wall, from the earthquake five years ago. All the effort, time, energy and money really does make a difference, even still today.

For me, I can already tell this season will be one of growth. It takes stepping out of my "normal" life and into somewhere completely new, with no familiar faces around me, to realize all my faults. This week I have faced convictions I have always felt but have never been forced to deal with. I am hard on myself, I turn to other people for my worth, and I do not turn to the Lord when I should- rather, I try to handle it myself. I have realized how much easier it is for me to follow the Lord back home. I have my cozy breakfast while I read my bible (or praying I won't be late for work speeding down 321 because I woke up late), seeing beauty and encouragement in my community that loved and supported me, reading a Henri Nouwen book in a coffee shop and underlining every word, talking about Jesus with high school girls....the list could go on and on how easy it was for me to be reminded of Jesus at home. Here, it's just different, and because of that I have quickly become aware of the first person I turn to...myself. "Lauren, you need to learn Creole", "I have to find a solution to this problem", "I have to do a good job", "I have to make them proud", "Lauren, you already met that child why can't you remember his name?!" "Lauren don't mess this up". I'd like to think we all have been there too...at least I hope so.

With all of that said, wow I am SO thankful that my God is a good teacher, he is patient, kind, and reminds me of his presence even when I feel so far from it. I came into this internship a week ago ready to take on the challenge, determined to jump headfirst into a new, deeper understanding of Jesus in my walk with him. Now, in just 7 days, I have learned that for this to happen, God will break me, push me, and challenge me in a whole new way...and honestly he already has. It's hard to learn this way, but how else can God remove me from the picture so that all I see is him? 

With all of this said, it is clear I am here in Haiti working at the Greta Home and Academy for such a time as this. It is truly God's plan, and I love it. I love being by the ocean in the middle of winter, I love the team here (the people I get to live and work with), I love the grinning children that wander into the office just to say hello, I love the patience and smiles on peoples' faces when I speak broken Creole, I love watching the sun sink behind mountains and reflect over the water from base, I love the fresh fruit for breakfast, and I love that even though this is a lost, broken and hard place- there is beauty in it and glimpses of Jesus, you just have to choose to see it.

Yes, it is difficult, but yes it is very much worth it. 

Oh and yes...I also went snorkeling around reefs in crystal blue waters with friends and that was just super great.

Bon orevwa pou kounye a!

"being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." Colossians 1:11-14

[haiti bound]

Life currently looks nothing like how I thought it would as a 22-year-old recent college graduate, it looks even better.

As most of you know, I have spent the last 6 months working at Samaritan's Purse, and I have truly loved it. My role for this time has been focused on domestic work, but I knew I wanted to eventually focus more on the international side of the organization. So, I looked into the international internship program.

My biggest battle in the application process was doubt. I had heard the phrase "God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called" and I was quick to believe that this was true for everyone but me. It was like those moments when we tell God what he thinks of us and what he wants for us. It happens, and then I immediately realize how wrong I am to do that. The Bible is full of stories where God gives ordinary people large tasks and they run, hide, or try to tell God that he has the wrong person for the job. Noah, Daniel, Moses, Joseph...all characters who did big things for God once they actually stopped believing the lies they made up that they were not good enough.

After 2.5 months of staring at the application and praying and stressing and praying and questioning and praying, I decided to put my feet to faith and go for it. I quit believing the lie that I could not do this kind of work for Christ. So, I applied for an international internship with Samaritan's Purse...and I got it.

However, before I knew I had been offered the position, there was a lot of silence. I tried my best to be patient, to trust, all the "right Christian things to do", but it was so hard. Worries and doubt took over my thoughts. What do I do if I don't get it? Where will they send me? What if they send me somewhere I don't really want to go? It was miserable. I was stuck in the unknown. It was at my breaking point when I was reminded of the story of Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego in Daniel 3. They experienced the unknown on a whole new level. They knew if they did not worship the other gods they were commanded to worship, they were going to be thrown into a fiery furnace and burn to death. I love their response to the king when they are questioned why they refuse to obey: "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand. But even if he does not, we will not bow down to your gods." They did not know if God was going to save them, but they declared he could save them. But then they say, even if he doesn't save them they refuse to worship any other god. Of course in the end, God did rescue them from the fire. But I was reminded of their great faith in God even when their outcome was a mystery. I was reminded that even though I had no idea where I would go or what I would do, the best thing for me to do was trust that God had given me that desire to serve overseas for a reason, and he would place me exactly where I needed to be. But even if he didn't give me a position, I would still choose faith in him over doubt and anger. As soon as I accepted this truth, I received an email that day for an interview in Haiti, and the next day I was offered the position.

The Lord completely surprised me with a position I didn't know existed and uses my gifts in a place that is already dear to my heart. I never imagined that I would be working for Samaritan's Purse in Haiti for 5 months. I will specifically be working at the Greta Home and Academy in L'acul. To say I am excited would be an understatement, I am humbled, thankful, thrilled, nervous and much more. God has already been teaching and preparing me for this season, as I know he will continue to do.

I think it is easy for Christians, especially in my generation, to look at missionaries and think that their lives are full of adventure and excitement. Now that I will get a taste of this life for 5 months, I am already seeing the reality of it. Cold showers, spiders, lack of Wi-Fi and electricity, spiders, long hot days, and did I mention spiders? But despite these harsh realities, I am excited. I feel like for the first time I am stepping into something where I have no idea what to expect and no way to really prepare for it. Therefore, I have nothing but Jesus- and what a comfort that is. To me, that's where the real adventure is, in what I will learn from my complete dependence on my Savior.

I would be lying if I said I was not a little scared. I know that God does not bring fear, but he casts it out. However, in a way I have learned to appreciate fear. For me, when I find myself afraid, God is at work with something much bigger than I realize. Therefore, I think it is okay to have fear, it is just what you do with that fear that matters. Will you let it keep you from the greatness God has for you, or will you put feet to faith and step out in courage?

Thank you so much for reading this if you have made it this far. I just learned so much from this journey already that I wanted to share this process from the past few months. Please please pray for me. I need a strong prayer team for this upcoming season. I will be gone from January- May and will do my best to post updates on this blog.

Until then, remember that God is always good and always faithful.

[no more planning]

I bet you forgot I have a blog, it's okay, I almost did too.

The past 2.5 months have been a whirlwind. I look back on it in disbelief that it even happened. Since my last post, I:

• Got an internship with Samaritan's Purse on the promotions team for Operation Christmas Child
• Graduated from college (psych. I walked across the stage...but I will officially be a college grad in t-12 days)
• Celebrated summer at my favorite beach in all the land
• Started my internship
• Traveled to Michigan and Mississippi for work (big girl status)
• GOT A JOB?!!? (question marks because I still don't believe it)
• Made many new friends
• Epically celebrated the best day of the year (ahem...4th of July)

So yes, this summer has been unlike any other. I expected that, but I all I expected was to be a "grown up", brush my hair and wear make-up...blah blah blah. But what I wasn't expecting, was to learn and grow as much as I have. 

This summer I have had the privilege of working with an incredible organization that provides spiritual and physical aid to people all over the world. My role may be small in the grand scheme of it all, but in that small way I am contributing to the big work being done. I have learned infinitely more than I thought I would, met people more passionate for the Lord than I have seen, and heard incredible stories that I would not believe if the person telling me did not experience it first hand. As much as I could go on and on about my experiences, there is one thing I want to share now:

Okay, this is a message to all of those graduating college, no matter when that is, here is my one piece of advice (not that I'm an expert, but someone told me this and now I wish I listened).

Do not make plans.

Okay, before you panic, hear me out. This year the Lord made it clear to me I would be using my major (public relations, non-profit). I also knew I would not be raising support, and I wanted to work for something I cared about/was passionate about. So I thought: Okay Lord, there's no way I will be able to find a job with all three of those credentials. So naturally, I began making plans of my own that did not include those things. And they all fell through, shocker. I applied to Samaritan's Purse because my mom made me, I thought there was no way I'd get it. I did. Not only that, but two weeks into the internship I was offered a seasonal position that involves my major, cue the look of shock.

I suddenly realized that God provided a PR job at an organization that I support whole-heartedly and absolutely love and I get paid. However, despite the Lord's provision, this was not what I wanted. But, God has made it absolutely clear in multiple ways that this is where I am supposed to be. For the past few weeks, he has been changing my heart to be like his. And now, rather than being in denial that I am staying in Boone with a grown-up job, I am actually really excited.

So when I say don't make plans, I don't mean be apathetic. But listen to what God wants for you, and make steps toward that. All I knew were those three things, that's it. I never imagined this is what the Lord had in store for me, I underestimated him (and myself). I didn't let myself really believe that all things are possible with my Savior. If I truly believed that God would provide the perfect plan from my obedience, I would not have spent so much time making "back up" plans. "Back up" plans: making plans because you don't think God will actually provide his plan for you in time. Aka: "back up" plans show a lack of faith in the all powerful God, creator of all things, including the plans for your life.

With all of that said. God is rocking my world right now. I refused to think of staying in Boone because that was "comfortable"and "safe". Well, I was wrong because here I am, staying, and it's actually terrifying. But it is exactly where the Lord wants me. God and his plans never cease to amaze me.

"Look at the nations and watch, and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told."

-Habakkuk 1:5